75 FUN THINGS TO DO AT THE DOCTOR’S/DENTIST’S
1.Sit down right next to a complete stranger. Turn and smile. Turn back
whenever they look. Then, after a few minutes, stick your nose into their
armpit and start to sniff them.
2.Go up to the receptionist with your lips wrapped around your teeth and
loudly demand to know when the `movomaime’ is going to wear off.
3.When Doctor says he’s going to prepare the anaesthetic, say Don’t
worry, I’ve already taken care of that.’
4.Offer the doctor a beer.
5.Go up to the receptionist. When s/he asks if you have an appointment,
look wildly around and start whispering the word `appointment?’ under
your breath. Then scream it, and jump out a window.
6.After the dentist finishes drilling, say `Now my turn.’
7.When the doctor hammers your knee for the reflex test, smack him/her
upside the head with your hand. When he looks at you, shrug.
8.Cut coupons out of magazines in waiting room.
9.When the doctor says, `Take off your clothes’, put on a condom.
10.Take a bottle of grape juice in with you. When they ask for a urine
test, go in the bathroom and fill up the jar with grape juice. Give it to
them and act really offended when they balk at it.
11.When prescribed pills, ask if they come with water.
12.When doctor prepares to give shot, ask if you can have it in chewable
13.Bring a dart board. When the doctor leaves, hang it up on the wall.
When s/he brings out the needle, throw it into the board and shout `I win!
14.Demand typhoid shot. Threaten malpractice suit if doctor refuses.
15.Paint your tongue black. When the dentist asks why your tongue is
black, look confused and say `Tongue?’
16.When doctor asks you to take a deep breath, defiantly stare at him/her
and then hold your breath until you pass out.
17.Go through the entire check-up while firmly grasping a broadsword.
18.Prior to examination, attach a fig leaf over your crotch. When the
doctor asks you to remove it, shake your head and go `Nice try, Doc.’
19.When the doctor asks what the problem is, pull out a dead rodent and
ask him/her to fix it. Yell `Murderer!’ until s/he does.
20.When they ask you to put on the paper dress, ask for matching hat and
shoes. Failing that, ask for at least an ironing board.
21.When the doctor asks you to change into the paper dress, fold it into
an origami hat. Then strip and put just the hat on.
22.Carry a puppet in with you. Every time the doctor says something, say
`I think I’ll need a second opinion.’ Consult with puppet. Have the puppet
23.When the doctor enters, slap him and say, `That one’s for Grover!’
24.Walk into the doctor’s office staring into a flashlight. Complain of
seeing dots. When the doctor tells you to stop staring into the flashlight,
say `Oh right. Whatever.’
25.Walk into office naked. Tell the nurse that this isn’t funny and ask if
you can have your clothes back.
26.Hum softly. Whenever the doctor comes near you, start screaming at
the top of your lungs. Pretend not to notice.
27.After the doctor checks for hernia, request that next time s/he cuts
28.After the hernia check, smile and seductively say, `I didn’t know that
was covered under Blue Cross.’
29.When doctor hands you prescription paper, give yourself a papercut
and scream Malpractice.
30.Complain that you’ve lost all your limbs. When the doctor says
something contradictory, snarl and say `Don’t patronize me.’
31.Ask for a second prescription for the kids. or
32.Ask to keep the hypo needle as a souvenir.
33.When doctor enters, have velcro blood pressure thing wrapped around
head. Close eyes and keep whispering `I am getting smarter. I am getting
34.After doctor checks ears, innocently ask `Can I see?’
35.Mirror everything the doctor does. After a while start repeating
everything he says too.
36.When doctor asks you to take a deep breath, say you forgot how to.
Die for added effect.
37.Ask doctor about new wonder drug that you’ve read about. Say you’ve
forgot the name. When he supplies you with guesses, say `Oh no, I
remember, it was crack.’ Ask for a prescription.
38.Stomp into office waving organ donor’s card and yelling that they took
39.Begin to play with toys in waiting room. Insist on bringing them with
40.Become really offended at everything doctor says. After a while, start
saying, `Whatever you say, Doctor Jerk!’
41.Sit down next to someone in the waiting room and start petting their
42.Beforehand, divide your body in sections with a magic marker and
number them. When you undress in office, tell the doctor that he can feel
free to take anything between 13 and 17.
43.When doctor asks you to open wide, say `My nostrils can’t get any
44.When doctor asks what is wrong, look around fearfully and whisper, `I
can’t tell you. They will find out.’ Then clutch your head and pretend like
you are getting electric shocks.
45.When the dentist mentions gum disease, ask if he is referring to
spearmint or wintergreen.
46.Ask him what he really thinks, off the record, about the one dentist out
of five who doesn’t like Crest.
47.Storm into dentist’s office. When asked what’s wrong, hold up last
visit’s toothbrush and claim that the bristles are alive.
48.Pretend that Satan lives in the Mr. Thirsty water-suction device. When
the dentist picks it up, shake head rapidly and say `I ain’t givin’ nuffin’ to
49.Walk into a random dentist’s office. Claim that you can’t find a
bathroom and you need Mr. Thirsty now!
50.When dentist positions Mr. Thirsty in mouth, deadpan `That sucks.’
51.When dentist refers to Mr. Thirsty, say `Don’t you mean Mr. or
52.Speak in tongues constantly.
53.Walk into office with an open can of paint. Ask people if they are
there for black plaque. If they say no, paint a stripe on their shirt and
move on to the next person. If someone finally answers yes, scream
`Liar!’ and dump the remainder of the paint on their head.
54.Bring a whole bunch of rotting bird carcasses and dead flowers. Take
down all the Christmas decorations and put your things up in their place.
When asked why, respond huffily, `Some of us don’t celebrate Christmas.’
55.Ask the person next to you in the waiting room what they have.
Whatever they respond, ask them if they are going to die. If they say no,
act really disappointed.
56.Ask doctor if he is in fact `Dr. Feelgood’.
57.When doctor enters room, quickly ask if you can use the restroom.
Promise to return speedily. Wait at least an hour. When you finally return
and doctor asks what took so long, act really angry and say You’re
the doctor, you tell me!’
58.Make a voodoo doll that looks like the doctor. Every so often stab it
with a needle, look at your watch, and grin diabolically and say `Half an
59.Bring a laptop computer. Before doctor starts exam, ask if he is
Windows 95 compatible. If he says no, get up and leave.
60.Start singing along with the easy listening music.
61.Jokingly ask doctor if death is terminal and begin to laugh. When he
starts to laugh, immediately stop laughing and glare at him. Say `You
think that’s funny, do you?
62.Show doctor pictures of your family. When he asks where they live,
smile enigmatically and point to your knee. Later, after the knee-jerk
reflex test, yell loudly `You okay, mom?’
63.Ask what the odds of getting a particular disease. When s/he gives you
the odds, ask what the point spread is.
64.Ask the doctor if he can pierce your colon.
65.Tell the doctor you have a broken leg. Then fake a stiff upper lip and
say, `But if you have to shoot me, I understand.’
66.Ask the doctor how your leg works. When s/he gives an answer, ask
him to make sure he’s talking about the `77 model.
67.When dentist offers list of flavors for tooth paste, ask if he has
68.After dentist is done scraping teeth, talk as if the scraper was still in
69.Bring a ziplock bag. Ask dentist if you can have some of the laughing
70.Ask the dentist/doctor if he has ever killed a man with his bare hands.
When he replies no, pout and say `Some doctor you are.’
71.When dentist picks up drill, scream, stand up, kick him in the face and
run out of the building.
72.When doctor asks what’s wrong, belch the phrase `I don’t know.’
73.Ask dentist if it’s true that aspirin can burn through your gums. When
dentist says yes, look nervous and say uh-oh.
74.Ask doctor if `Those Pancreas Rumors’ are true. When he doesn’t
know what you mean, stare at him and say `Don’t play dumb with me,
75.Run through the entire doctor’s office wearing a tutu and swinging a
stethoscope. After you pummel each individual nurse or doctor, yell
`Touchdown!’ Then jump out a window screaming `Viva La France!’.
Then come back in a few minutes later, wearing a business suit, and ask
`What the hell happened in here?’
76.Walk in wearing glasses. Ask doctor if masturbation can make you
blind. When s/he says no, sigh in relief and take off the glasses. Then
whenever s/he says something, look wildly around and say `Who said
77. Demand to see the Dentist’s degree and when they show you no matter what the name of the school ask in a very snotty voice “Is that an online university degree?”