If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If
a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on
its feet. With this in mind, if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up,
to a cat’s back and toss them both out the window, will the cat land on its feet?
Or will the butter splat on the ground?
In thoery, even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the
butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics
demand that the cat can not land on its furry back. If the combined construct
were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore, they
simply do not fall.
That’s right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have
discovered the secret of antigravity!
To expand on this theory, a buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a
height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium.
This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter,
providing lift, or removing some of the cat’s limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the universe already use this principle to drive
their space ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by
most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. Larger
craft use the Mancoon breed and a long ways sliced sourdough loaf.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their
backs and they instantly plummet. This, as you all know, happened in Roswell
50 years ago. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn’t
do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several
tons of red-hot starship and bewildered aliens crash on top of them.