Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm
It’s infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told
I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold
The truth shall soon be known

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

They are adding all my points up
And I haven’t earned but few
In fact, I haven’t even gotten
More than one or two
Oh, if I could only find an answer
Anything to do
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

On the lines of every gradebook
There is solemn news for me
The worst is yet to come when
Financial Aid ignores my plea
So I guess the only answer is
To drop my books and flee
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

Well, the end has finally come
And I have failed to pass a class
Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
Was really quite a gas
But I won’t be in the numbers
Of the capped and gowned mass
The truth was finally shown.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth was finally known.

———————–

Ai Bang Mai Ne————–I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu—————–A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat—————–You need a face lift
Dum Gai———————A stupid person
Gun Pao Der—————–An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung—————Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding————–We have reason to believe you are harboring
a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun—————A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia———————Approach me
Lao Ze Sho——————Gilligan’s Island
Lao Zi———————-Not very good
Lin Ching——————-An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding—————A great achievement of the American space
program
Ne Ahn———————-A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai——————–A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be—————A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne—————-A small horse
Ten Ding Ba—————–Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung—————-A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan—————Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah—————-Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim——————Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting————-There is no reason to raise your voice

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship,
they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a
winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the
perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and
Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (scroll down for
the answer).

The perfect woman.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

==========================================

AMEN TO THAT, LADIES!!! WE ARE WOMAN; HEAR US ROAR!

1)A few clowns short of a circus.
2)A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3)An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4)A few beers short of a six-pack.
5)Dumber than a box of hair.
6)A few peas short of a casserole.
7)Doesn’t have all her cornflakes in one box.
8)The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
9)One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10)One taco short of a combination plate.
11)A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12)All foam, no beer.
13)The cheese slid off her cracker.
14)Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15)Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
16)He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
17)An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
18)As smart as bait.
19)Chimney’s clogged.
20)Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
21)Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
22)Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
23)Forgot to pay her brain bill.
24)Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
25)His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
26)His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
27)If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
28)Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
29)No grain in the silo.
30)Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
31)Receiver is off the hook.
32)Several nuts short of a full pouch.
33)Skylight leaks a little.
34)Slinky’s kinked.
35)Surfing in Nebraska.
36)Too much yardage between the goal posts.
37)Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
38)The lights are on, but nobody’s home.
39)24 cents short of a quarter.

“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.”
Bobby, age 9

“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold… Other people care more about the food.”
Bart, age 9

“Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.”
Sarah, age 9

“See if the man has lipstick on his face.”
Sandra, age 7

“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are — on fire.”
Christine, age 9

TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED

“‘How Do I Love Thee When You’re Always Picking Your Nose?’”
Arnold, age 10

“‘You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.’”
Larry, age 8

“‘I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!’”
Eddie, age 6

“‘I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don’t Bother Me When I’m with My Friends.’”
Bob, age 9

“‘Hey, Baby, I Don’t like Girls but I’m Willing to Forget You Are One!’”
Will, age 7

“‘Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo on My Mind.’”
Sharon, age 9

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”

“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.”
Michelle, age 9

“Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.”
Dick, age 7

CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE

“Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin’.”
Julio, age 9

“One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn’t get her away from him … After a while, they became the first married gods.”
Robbie, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

“One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.”
Andrew, age 6

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell … That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.”
Mae, age 9

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.”
Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.”
John, age 9

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.”
Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.”
Anita C., age 8

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.”
Brian, age 7

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.”
Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

“Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.”
Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

“Mooshy … like puppy dogs … except puppy dogs don’t wag their tails nearly as much.”
Arnold, age 10

“When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don’t get up for at least an hour.”
Wendy, age 8

“All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark.”
Sherm, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.”
Gavin, age 8

“They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.”
John, age 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when Dinosaurs’ is on television.”
Jill, age 6

“Love is foolish … but I still might try it sometime.”
Floyd, age 9

“Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place … We were behind a tree.”
Carey, age 7

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.”
Dave, age 8

“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.”
Regina, age 10

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

“Sensitivity don’t hurt.”
Robbie, age 8

“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.”
Ava, age 8

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.”
Del, age 6

“Shake your hips and hope for the best.”
Camille, age 9

“Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs … and don’t worry if their parents are right there.”
Manuel, age 8

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.”
Alonzo, age 9

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.”
Bart, age 9

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

“Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.”
Judy, age 8

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife!”
Tom, age 5

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
Mike, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.”
Jim, age 10

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.”
Kally, age 9

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!”
Lynette, age 9

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.”
Kenny, age 7

1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
31. Chinese Firedrill. Get at least 2 people in a car (the more the better) when the light turns red everyone get out and run around the car and yell “fire, fire!” Then get back in the car but switch drivers. Then drive off when the light turns green and act like nothing happened. (Called Chinese Fire Drill because China is so crowded that there is no place to run in a fire. So you have to get back in.)

SEND THIS TO:
0 people: your life will be a living hell
1-5 people: someone will get a crush on you
5-10 people: your crush will ask you out
10-15 people: you will go on a date with your crush
15-20 people: you will go to a dance with your crush
20-25 people: you will make out with your crush
25+ people: you will SCORE with your crush

1.”Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

2.”The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”

3.”Were you present when your picture was taken?”

4.”Were you alone or by yourself?”

5.”Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?”

6.”Did he kill you?”

7.”How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

8.”You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

9.”How many times have you committed suicide?”

10. Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”

11. Q: “She had three children, right?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None.”
Q: “Were there any girls?”

12. Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”

13. Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
A: “I went to Europe, Sir.”
Q: “And you took your new wife?”

14. Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
A: “By death.”
Q: “And by who’s death was it terminated?”

15. Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Q: “Was this a male, or a female?”

16. Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which was sent to your attorney?”
A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”

17. Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?”
A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”

18. Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?”
A: “Oral.”

19. Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..”
Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.”

20. Q: “You were not shot in the fracas?”
A: “No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.”

21. Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
A: “I have been since early childhood.”

22. Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
A: “No.”
Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?”
A: “No.”
Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.”

This is a true story:

*** EVEN if you get a little lost, read to the end, which is very funny.

A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question:
Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.

For Non-science majors, exothermic is when something releases heat and
endothermic is when something generates heat. Most of the students wrote
proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or some variant. One student, however,
wrote the following:

“First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do,
then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into
hell and at what rate are souls leaving” I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
souls entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world
today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls
go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle’s Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the
mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell,
then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Jennifer Smith during
Freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.”

The student got an A

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, “I love you”, mean it.
5. When you say, “I’m sorry”, look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s
the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slow but think quick.
13. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask,
“Why do you want to know?”.
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize that you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in in your
voice.
22. Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, his conversational
skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best
answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you’ll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to
create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don’t
bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray, there’s immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don’t trust a man who doesn’t close his eyes when you kiss him.
38. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are
living. That is wealth’s
greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other
is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

- Unknown author

1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F**k Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch’s Ten Inches