He does not have a beer gut;
he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not quiet;
he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
He is not stupid;
he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
He does not get lost;
he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not balding;
he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a cradle robber;
he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get falling-down drunk;
he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He is not short;
he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
He does not constantly talk about cars;
he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
He is not unsophisticated;
he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
He does not hog the blankets;
he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
He is not a male chauvinist pig;
he has SWINE EMPATHY.
He doesn’t have a dirty mind;
he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.
He is not afraid of commitment;
he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.