Thank God the Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children’s
television. Last week he outed Tinky Winky, from that perverted show the
Tele-Tubbies, because, Falwell pronounced, the character is clearly a
fount of gayness: He’s purple, the gay color; he has an antenna shaped
like a triangle, the gay symbol; and he carries a purse, something all
gay people do. But Falwell’s work is far from over. You see, kiddy TV is
downright rife with gayety. Heck, Toon Town is like one big circuit party
and has been for years.
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: “Twinkle toes
Flintstone.” The show’s theme song ends “…we’ll have a gay old time!”
Wears an orange dress with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney
far more than Wilma.
Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one
episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and
tails and belt out Broadway show tunes with his buddy Daffy- who, it’s
worth noting, has a lisp.
Velma (of Scooby Doo)
Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine.
Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick
turtleneck sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.
Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn’t
been on a ship in years. Does little sailor dances. Dates a flat chested
transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.
Batman and Robin
Evidence: Robin’s nickname: Boy Wonder. Batman’s real name: Bruce. Both
wear tights. They’re in great shape. They like to show each other their
Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the
other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt
Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears
comfortable shoes. Nickname: Sir.
Evidence: Purple, talks funny, extremely annoying, sings (well), likes
little boy’s, occasionally can be seen carrying a purse, and has never
once popped his female dino friend.. A sure sign that not only was
homosexualism rampant in the dark ages, but scientist have evidence of
it and has leaked the information. Now Falwell is fighting history,
which this disease was surly the cause of Dinosaur extinction( Not that
silly Giant Meteor Theory).
The Pink Panther
Evidence: Another pink cat. Loves theater (“exiiit…stage leeeft”).
Wears a bow tie and cuff links, and nothing else.