It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow
desperate. The year was 2020, the average tuition (per
year) for each institution was $84,242 and they just
weren’t getting enough applicants. So they decided, in a
rash, unprecendented move, to take out advertising in the
middle of Sesame Street episodes, to differentiate
themselves from their competitors. Read on for their
BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do
you havea nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a
lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things
like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!
COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like
commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy
school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!
HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really
hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher
again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that,
too? COME TO HARVARD!!!
PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating
club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the
smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in
high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the
great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!
PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot?
How aboutfour more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic
West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics
scare you? COME TO PENN!!!
CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you
interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever
wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like
bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to
stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO
CORNELL — The Big Red Tape!!!
YALE: Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!
DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to
get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like
to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to
continue to drink? And what’s your feeling on drinking?
COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!
VANDERBILT: Hey kids! Do you like to
sweat? Does binge drinking in your room before you go out
sound like fun? Do you enjoy being around rich blondes and
finding a date to watch a football team that sucks? Come to
M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to
be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn’t involve math?
That’s right, math! Math math math math math! COME TO