Jokes from Well Known Comedians

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope
not? If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’ – Larry Miller

“A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to herdad.”-Christopher Case

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.”
–Conan O’Brien

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that’s how dogs spend their lives.”-Sue Murphy

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” –Rita Mae Brown

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you’ve got a T shirt with a bloodstain all over
it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get
rid of the body before you do the wash.” –Jerry Seinfeld

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers
right here.’” –JerrySeinfeld

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow
learner.” –Lynda Montgomery

“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.” –PaulRodriguez

“Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but whenGod talks
to us we’re schizophrenic?” –Lily Tomlin

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” –Jerry Seinfeld

“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?”-Warren Hutcherson

“Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
That’s why you should never date a baseball player.” –Marsha Warfield

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else.” –Lily Tomlin

“Have you ever noticed…. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” –George Carlin

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the
hell she is”. -Ellen DeGeneres

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” –Rita Rudner

“I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” Thegirl at
the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?” –Jay Leno>

“Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to theSalvation Army
instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it
back for seventy-five cents.” –William Coronel