* Martha Stewart’s Holiday Calendar *
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.
Spray paint gold, turn upside down and
use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing
Christmas message for answering machine.
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones,
fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
Debug Windows ’98.
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
Lay Faberge egg.
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,
particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents”
in case tires are shot out at mall.
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will
be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar
to add a festive touch to the pasture.
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices,
and cinnamon sticks.
Float votive candles in toilet.
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores.
Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping,
thus making many people feel less inadequate than
they really are.
Bear son. Swaddle.
Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the
clock strikes midnight in that country.