What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery
Death is hereditary
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
Multitasking – screwing up several things at once
Dyslexics of the world – untie!
Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon!
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film
There’s no future in time travel
Tonight’s weather – dark with continued darkness until dawn
Boycott shampoo – Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Smith & Wesson – the original point and click interface
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
Corduroy pillows – they’re making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand
There’s an exception to every rule, except this one
I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off
Polynesia – memory loss in parrots
Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!
A good pun is it’s own reword
I used to be indecisive – now I’m not sure
I’m writing a book – I’ve got the page numbers done
Laughing stock – cattle with a sense of humor
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
To err is human, to moo bovine
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain