Rules for Men (How to Keep Your Testosterone Flowing)

Filed in humor

1. Never call, ever.
2. If it has a hole, stick your dick in.
3. Lie.
4. Deny everything.
5. Love is not in your vocabulary. Don’t even think about using
it (unless
you’re trying to get a girl to have sex with you.)
6. If you hurt someone, pretend like you care. Don’t.
7. Tell her you’ll call, then refer back to rule #1.
8. Have sex with her, then refer back to rule #1.
9. A general rule: If whatever you’re doing doesn’t satisfy you
completely in
5 minutes, it’s not worth it.
10. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get
to please you.
11. Never notice anything.
12. Lie!!!!!!!
13. Drink beer. Then drink more beer.
14. One word: Football!
15. Diss your girl for an occasional night (or 5) out with the
guys.
16. Women are your napkins. Use them and throw them away!
17. Never notice anything.
18. Never have a clue.
19. If you get a clue, pretend you didn’t & disregard it.
20. If you’re committed to a girl, and start liking someone else,
don’t say
anything. Don’t tell her until the new girl you like starts liking
YOU.
(Also known as the Jay rule)
21. Basic rule of dating Quantity, not quality.
22. Basic rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
23. Lie.
24. If you cheat on a girl, but she doesn’t find out, then
technically you’ve
done nothing wrong.
25. Crying isn’t manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do
you have to
cry about anyway?
26. If the question begins with “why”, the answer is “I don’t
know”.
27. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
28. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been
proven wrong,
blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses
why they are at
fault, not you.
29. Don’t ever let anyone say, “I told you so”. If you hear this
phrase, and
it didn’t come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
30. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you’ve thought
about sex.
Compare with others.
31. Other people’s pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh
long and loud.
32. General rule: Different is BAD.
33. Do not drive Nissans, Toyotas or Mazdas. You will look
like a pussy.
34. If anyone asks you for a favor, always make a big deal of
how hard it is
for you to do it. Remind them of this huge favor you did them
every 5
minutes for the rest of their life.
35. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive
around until a
parking spot near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it.
You
will have the coveted door spot and others will worship your
skills.
36. Lie.
37. Three words: Lets be friends. Translation: I never want to
speak to you
again, but that’s bad for my nice guy image so I’ll pretend to be
your friend.
38. Another way to protect your nice guy image: Dump her by
telling her
things like “I need to be true to myself;” or “It’s not you, it’s me”.
Then
you’ll be free to find someone else, while she’s still trying to
figure out
what you meant.
39. Agenda for a relaxing evening: Drink beer. Play with
yourself. Drink
more beer. Pass out.
40. If a girl breaks up with you because you’re cheating on her,
she has no
right to be upset. Because, you know, she’s the one who wanted
to end the
relationship.
41. The best sex position is you, lying face up…..and 20 girls on
top.
42. Practice your blank stare.
43. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses, and shove them
up your ass.
Then, whenever you need to, you can just pull one out of your
ass.
44. If you’re ever forced to show emotion, just pick random
emotions like
rage and lust and insanity and display them at random,
inconvenient times.
You won’t be asked to do it again.
45. If you are asked to do something, first try your manly best to
get out of
it. If that doesn’t work, do what you were asked to do but
complain and
whine the whole time how hard it is, and ask questions about
every little
thing If nobody rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in
the most
half-assed way possible and say “See? I TOLD you I couldn’t do
it.”
Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
46. Work out day and night to make your body even more
beautiful then it is
already. When people ask if you work out, say things like “No,
baby, I was
BORN like this!”
47. Do not listen to pussy music such as Erasure, Color Me Badd
or oldies.
48. Beer, then more beer.
49. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
50. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don’t
want the
inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
51. LIE, I tell you!
52. It is never your duty to be responsible for your actions.
53. If you don’t have sex at every possible opportunity, your
balls will
shrivel up and die. Enforce this rule at all times!!!
54. Name your penis something masculine like Spike.
55. Make an exact replica of your penis out of Play-Doh.
Measure it to make
sure it’s precise.
56. When in public, eat like a pig/fart/belch/play with your self.
57. If people around you express disgust at what you are doing,
continue.
This is the desired effect.
58. Two words: Hack and spit.
59. LIE LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!
60. Diss your girl until she dumps you. Beg, plead and act nice
until you
win her back. Repeat cycle.
61. If you like a girl, go for her best friend. That way she’ll see
what
she’s missing, and be eternally yours.
62. You must remember important things like sports scores from
1973, but it’s
OK to forget trivial things like your girl’s birthday or eye color.
63. If you don’t commit to your girl, someone who looks like
Cindy Crawford
and is built like Barbie will come along.
64. Much as an orgasm usually signifies the end of a sexual act,
sex should
often signify the end of a relationship.
65. Tell everyone you’ve had sex in every possible position. Go
into detail.
66. When you talk about your past, it’s good to say “God, I was
such a pimp
back then.”
67. You are male, therefore you are superior.
68. Every penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the
long run.
69. Never ask for help. People will think you have no penis.
70. Never admit you are lost. People will think you have no
penis.
71. Don’t forget – lie!