Rules for Men (How to Keep Your Testosterone Flowing)
1. Never call, ever.
2. If it has a hole, stick your dick in.
4. Deny everything.
5. Love is not in your vocabulary. Don’t even think about using
you’re trying to get a girl to have sex with you.)
6. If you hurt someone, pretend like you care. Don’t.
7. Tell her you’ll call, then refer back to rule #1.
8. Have sex with her, then refer back to rule #1.
9. A general rule: If whatever you’re doing doesn’t satisfy you
5 minutes, it’s not worth it.
10. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get
to please you.
11. Never notice anything.
13. Drink beer. Then drink more beer.
14. One word: Football!
15. Diss your girl for an occasional night (or 5) out with the
16. Women are your napkins. Use them and throw them away!
17. Never notice anything.
18. Never have a clue.
19. If you get a clue, pretend you didn’t & disregard it.
20. If you’re committed to a girl, and start liking someone else,
anything. Don’t tell her until the new girl you like starts liking
(Also known as the Jay rule)
21. Basic rule of dating Quantity, not quality.
22. Basic rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
24. If you cheat on a girl, but she doesn’t find out, then
done nothing wrong.
25. Crying isn’t manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do
you have to
cry about anyway?
26. If the question begins with “why”, the answer is “I don’t
27. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
28. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been
blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses
why they are at
fault, not you.
29. Don’t ever let anyone say, “I told you so”. If you hear this
it didn’t come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
30. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you’ve thought
Compare with others.
31. Other people’s pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh
long and loud.
32. General rule: Different is BAD.
33. Do not drive Nissans, Toyotas or Mazdas. You will look
like a pussy.
34. If anyone asks you for a favor, always make a big deal of
how hard it is
for you to do it. Remind them of this huge favor you did them
minutes for the rest of their life.
35. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive
around until a
parking spot near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it.
will have the coveted door spot and others will worship your
37. Three words: Lets be friends. Translation: I never want to
speak to you
again, but that’s bad for my nice guy image so I’ll pretend to be
38. Another way to protect your nice guy image: Dump her by
things like “I need to be true to myself;” or “It’s not you, it’s me”.
you’ll be free to find someone else, while she’s still trying to
what you meant.
39. Agenda for a relaxing evening: Drink beer. Play with
more beer. Pass out.
40. If a girl breaks up with you because you’re cheating on her,
she has no
right to be upset. Because, you know, she’s the one who wanted
to end the
41. The best sex position is you, lying face up ..and 20 girls on
42. Practice your blank stare.
43. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses, and shove them
up your ass.
Then, whenever you need to, you can just pull one out of your
44. If you’re ever forced to show emotion, just pick random
rage and lust and insanity and display them at random,
You won’t be asked to do it again.
45. If you are asked to do something, first try your manly best to
get out of
it. If that doesn’t work, do what you were asked to do but
whine the whole time how hard it is, and ask questions about
thing If nobody rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in
half-assed way possible and say “See? I TOLD you I couldn’t do
Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
46. Work out day and night to make your body even more
beautiful then it is
already. When people ask if you work out, say things like “No,
baby, I was
BORN like this!”
47. Do not listen to pussy music such as Erasure, Color Me Badd
48. Beer, then more beer.
49. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
50. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don’t
inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
51. LIE, I tell you!
52. It is never your duty to be responsible for your actions.
53. If you don’t have sex at every possible opportunity, your
shrivel up and die. Enforce this rule at all times!!!
54. Name your penis something masculine like Spike.
55. Make an exact replica of your penis out of Play-Doh.
Measure it to make
sure it’s precise.
56. When in public, eat like a pig/fart/belch/play with your self.
57. If people around you express disgust at what you are doing,
This is the desired effect.
58. Two words: Hack and spit.
59. LIE LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!
60. Diss your girl until she dumps you. Beg, plead and act nice
win her back. Repeat cycle.
61. If you like a girl, go for her best friend. That way she’ll see
she’s missing, and be eternally yours.
62. You must remember important things like sports scores from
1973, but it’s
OK to forget trivial things like your girl’s birthday or eye color.
63. If you don’t commit to your girl, someone who looks like
and is built like Barbie will come along.
64. Much as an orgasm usually signifies the end of a sexual act,
often signify the end of a relationship.
65. Tell everyone you’ve had sex in every possible position. Go
66. When you talk about your past, it’s good to say “God, I was
such a pimp
67. You are male, therefore you are superior.
68. Every penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the
69. Never ask for help. People will think you have no penis.
70. Never admit you are lost. People will think you have no
71. Don’t forget – lie!