Sex Jokes

**What sexual position makes an ugly baby?
Ask your mom!

**A truck driver came upon a couple making passionate love in the middle of
the road. He blew his horn, blinked his lights and yet the couple never missed a
stroke!

The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them, “Are you crazy,
didn’t you here my horn, see my lights, didn’t you know I was coming?”

The horny young man said, “Yes, I knew you were coming! I knew she was
coming and I knew I was coming! I also knew you were the only one here with
brakes!”

**How do you reuse a condom?
Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it!

**What two words will clear a Men’s room faster then any others?
“NICE DICK!”

**A five year old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend’s
response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.

That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to
his son and with his penis in hand said, “Son this is a penis. In fact, if
you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis.

The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy
and called him behind a hedge.

The boy exposed himself and said, “This is a penis. In fact, if it were two
inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!”

**One day a kid went to school and the teacher said, “For homework, I want
you to find out the difference between ‘hypothetically’ and
‘realistically’.” So the kid went home and asked his father, “Dad, what’s
the difference between ‘hypothetically’ and ‘realistically’?”

His father replied, “Ask you mother if she’d sleep with somebody for a
million dollars.” The son sort of looked at his father funny, but proceeded.

“Mom, would you sleep with someone for a million dollars?” The mother
replied, “Well son, that is quite a large sum of money…I think I would.”

So the son went back to his father and said, “Dad, Mom said she would do it,
but I just don’t understand, what does that have to do with ‘hypothetically’
and ‘realistically’?”

The father replied, “Don’t worry about it, just ask your sister if she’d do
it.” Reluctantly the boy went and asked his sister. She replied, “A million
dollars? OF COURSE I WOULD DO IT!!”

So, the boy returned once again to his father saying, “Dad, she said she’d
do it too, but I still don’t understand, what does that have to do with
‘hypothetically’ and ‘realistically’?”

The father replied, “Well son, HYPOTHETICALLY we’re sitting on two million dollars,
REALISTICALLY, we’re living with a couple of whores!”

**A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender
hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment
you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why
is your head so small?”

The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times.
“One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard
someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog
sitting next to a stream.

So I picked up the frog and it said, “Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into
a genie and grant you 3 wishes.” So I looked around to make sure I was alone
and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful,
voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, “You now have 3 wishes.” I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound
body and said, “I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.” She nodded,
whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my
clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, “What will be your second wish?” I looked hungrily at her
beautiful body and replied, “I want to make sensuous love with you here by
this stream.” She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. “We then made love
for hours!”

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious
lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, “You know, you do have one more wish.
What will it be?” I looked at her and replied, “How about a little head?”

**NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go,
and he couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid
for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to
M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two
million dollars. “I want to give a million to my family”, he explained, “and
leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he
whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million,
I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

**THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX:
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you’re with doesn’t fantasize you’re someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you’re kinky.
3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning. …
1. IF YOU DON’T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!