The Top 9 Sexual Jokes of all time!
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am,
if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
“What can I get you?” the bartender inquires.
“I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man.
“6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?”
“Yeah, my first blowjob.”
“Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”
“No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an
absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she
is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she
“This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that
Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest
average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.”
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on
the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: “I’m
sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he
rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong,
Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh…she got fired too.”
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for
several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just
talking to her.On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and
suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his
He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a
real break through. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try
oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he
doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet
and tells the doctor his wife is
dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: “She choked.”
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator
up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll
open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will
close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove
my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will
buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped
his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a
beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator
opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100
who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a
hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.
“I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge
black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the
small white guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound
left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown” The small white guy faints !!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping
his face and shaking him
and asks the small white guy. “What’s wrong?”.
The small white guy says; “Excuse me but what did you say?”.
The big black dude looks down and says “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small white guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said ‘Turn around.’”
This one made it No.1 in just 1 day !!!!
Q) What did Bill Gates’ wife say to him on their wedding night ?
A) “Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!”